RBMG/ Island records/ Universal Music Group
That picture scares the crap out of me.
So what do we have here? Justin Bieber, eh? I’m supposed to hate this guy with every fiber of my body, otherwise I can’t hang out with the cool kids. But peer pressure or no peer pressure the first time I heard One Time I really did think a 12 year old girl was singing it, I don’t believe I am the only one, and it took me watching the video of Baby three times and a checking of his Wikipedia to be certain of my being wrong.
So this guy hails from Stratford Ontario. He was throwing flix of himself singing onto youtube. Usher and Justin Timberlake both wanted to sign him. Usher eventually did which lead him to record consequently his debut EP My World and his first full length My World 2.0. This release puts those two together and is somewhat cleverly called My Worlds. It has been out since 19-10-2010, it’s been a pretty polarizing album among critics and it’s been a monster seller worldwide. Mostly to children wanting it for christmas. Also it lead some people sending him death threats, placing comments concerning him on a lot of video’s mr. Bieber ain’t got shit to do with, which is great advertisment by the way because it got me curious about this. In my quest to find out why everyone and their grandmother hates this and nobody will admit to owning this while this album sells millions of copies I will go where no man has ever gone before. I will listen to Justin Bieber’s debut My Worlds in its entirety. If you hear nothing from me in two weeks please come visit my house. If you find me with my head exploded and only half the review written, please throw that bit on my site with a warning that listening to My Worlds may be hazardous to your health.
1. One Time
Fucking hell. This is some of the most sterile music ever put to wax. This shit makes the Backstreet Boys sound soulful and sincere in comparison. What have I gotten into? But then again it’s not all Bieber’s fault since this song is helmed by “Tricky” Stewart who is the worst thing to ever happen to R&B music.
2. Favorite Girl
While right now this does nada for me because this shit is both really naïve and sugarcoated, I might’ve secretly liked it if this came out when I was thirteen.
3. Down To Earth
This would make some pretty effective theme music for one of those shitty young teenagers shows that you can check out on Nickelodeon. That tells you everything you need to know about My Worlds… I’ll get back to why in the conclusions.
5. One Less Lonely Girl
And one more pubic hair, right?
6. First Dance (feat. Usher)
Made me think of my first “dance”, the 1997 song Slow Jams by Monica and Usher who is barely featuring on this song and Usher’s 1994 self titled debut which didn’t sound a motherfucking thing like My Worlds even though Usher himself was 15 years old when he recorded it. But then that album flopped spectacularly. groan. Girls in their early teens really have poor taste in everything.
7. Love Me
Contains spectacularly corny and dorky lyrics and the same lifeless synthesizers and overkill of drums we’ve had so far.
8. Common Denominator
Comparing love to maths homework. Sadly that makes some sense.
9. Baby (feat. Ludacris)
Ludacris sounds awkward as fuck on here but I actually didn’t completely hate this one. There’s some pretty tricky synthesizer work going on here (no pun intended). The guy ad-libbing does some damage though. But overall this piece of pop-fluff is bearable.
Your music reviewing credentials going down the toilet.
10. Somebody to Love
Who made this electro-hop fusion popular? I blame the Black Eyed Peas.
11. Stuck in the Moment
If I were to blame these dead cold instrumentals for this album’s failing I’d have to review the acoustic version of this album right?
Alright then I won’t do that.
12. U Smile
Is it a coincidence that the most soulful and probably the best song on the album is produced by former Wyclef Jean-protegé Jerry Wonder Duplessis and not some people I at least have never heard of or known fuck-ups The-Dream (awkward punctuation and all) and Tricky Stewart? Highly unlikely.
13. Runaway Love
Apparently Kanye West remixed this fucker and lured Raekwon into the studio with a twenty dollar bill tied to a fish line and wouldn’t let Rae out until he performed alongside of him and the Bieb. That either man still has any sort of career in hiphop after this mystifies me.
14. Never Let You Go
Usher finally brings in another producer that doesn’t suck. This sounds like an 8701 outtake, which makes sense as former Jermaine Dupri protégé Brian-Michael Cox worked on that album too.
15. Overboard (feat. Jessica Jarrell)
Because of Justin’s androgynous voice a female counterpart is rather redundant.
16. Eenie Meenie (feat. Sean Kingston)
Sean sounds better over this bullshit dance-pop beat than Justin does but he still doesn’t sound good.
Indeed, we can go nowhere but up. If I had a cent for every “shawty” on this album I could repay the current US public debt. Although I’d rather start a playboy mansion-franchise on the moon.
18. That Should Be Me
Well, My Worlds is finally over. I think I caught diabetes during the whole process of writing this review.
Baby, U Smile, Never Let You Go
Well, I definitely feel I have earned the right to bitch on mr. Bieber since I just heard his entire fucking album. And, ow it sucked already. This is definitely Canada’s shittiest export product ever. More sugary than Céline Dion, more annoyingly catchy than Nickelback and faker than Pam Anderson’s tits. And some p find the nerve to compare this guy to the young Michael Jackson? The fucking nerve of todays youth… If anything Bieber is the new Hanson (google Hmmmbob if you are too young to remember) rolled up in one person. What I must point out that this isn’t meant for me. This is for twelve-year-old girls like that Drake and Josh show. It’s ridiculously corny but that’s what young kids like. So basically me listening to this is like pouring a bottle Tabasco empty into my asshole. I could’ve known it would not be a very pleasant an experience. Why then write about the guy when the point is obvious to everyone? Because you all took him so motherfucking seriously. That said while I don’t like his little girl voice, it does hit all the right notes and while this music is soulless it is impeccaby produced. I do believe Bieber has potential to become less annoying as he matures and may even become someone who’s not annoying to listen to at all. And besides his voice, image and music fit the purpose they were made for perfectly so as such My Worlds is a success. And he is getting kids into music so kudo’s for that.
Adults should leave this shit alone like it’s crack, but for their twelve-year-old children it’s okay (that reads awkward when typed out like that).